Writings, Drawings, Reposts

  1. 20260114 First entry

    Ok, hello world again.

    This is Billie. I called myself emoduck because I was swept up in the energy of neocities and the nostalgia.

    However, I wasnt really a emo kid (2000s) - I went the hipster route. Though when I dyed my hair black I suppose it came out.

    I am 40 atm, 41 later this year. I now live in a very, very beautiful city in the northern, sub-tropical, climes of Aotearoa.

    I am creating a static personal site to firstly teach myself HTML again, have somewhere to post whatever, and do it creatively. I know I can do this through sites like Instagram or Substack or Wordpress....

    But, I really want to express myself outside of estabished site restrictions. Somehow, this feels like I have more control. Also, I really like screaming into the void.

    If I want to scream at bots and idiots sure, i'll log in and do that. but here is ah... no comments enabled. Its just my unfiltered thoughts.

    I will be wrong, I will be arrogant, I will be stupid, I will be confused, I will be angry, and I will be sorry. But I will just puke it all out; with time i'll be able to look back and see the errs. And grow.

    Because no matter what, growth is constantly inevitable.

    billies whiteboard written with resolutions and goals: 'congratulations on improving; I admit this is better than 'pram. well done on not giving up, even though we have many avenues. Maby we will find a reason to live - instead of on expectations. Small, Reasonable Goals. -A job - okay to leave for better. -A flat to myself or enough isolation. -Long walks again. up to jogging? -Travel and explore T.F.N. -A hobby you enjoy - we can find joy again. Yesterday was a lesson, the present a gift, tomorrow is ambitious'.

  2. 20260116 The need to be a binchicken

    Yep. Im really leaning into this somehow. I know its not good. I know people despise me for it.

    its really hot, my landlady just told me to not run my fan so much... or pay $180. What? There is a water leak, fix that first. I need to move out. This is not going to improve if I keep living here. Being here is only a favour to me anyway.

    For the last so many weeks, I've enjoyed being in bed. Its the middle of summer - January; the house is recording temps over 30 celcius. If I keep the kitchen door shut my room stays relatively cool, and with the help of a gel icepack it keeps my body heat down. Yes I do have the fan on constantly, right now i've tied a ice-gel-pack onto it in the hopes the coolness can be blown around. I have no-idea of its efficacy.

    I no longer keep a duvet or heavy blanket: I have a light blanket and only the top-sheet. I use a towel like a sitting mat. Because of that the Queen bed has become a storage space for pills and bottles and books and clothes - without the need to kick everything off during sleep. One half for me, one half for things.

    The problem is... Not wanting to really live vs the need to get a job. I dont want to go outside. I went to the MSD to check up on how Im doing and I was having anxiety and palpitations from the house to there. I had to sit down after the nice but stern looking receptionist said "just breathe". I thanked her and promptly plopped my butt down and tried to breathe. I did cry. Then I had to wipe those tears, stand up and leave - bloody hell. that only happens when I know Im so vulnerable I could probably break down. But my heart felt better afterwards. I brought some secondhand scarves as cheap deco, brought a cold drink, brought some groceries and went home to download a game and zap my brain for 7hours. I noticed during the gaming I wasnt trying to feed myself. Small win I guess. I have to keep my weight down while I am so apathetic.

    Tying a gel pack to the top of a fan with a red ribbon

  3. Repost: "Accounting Foundations:Bookeeping"

    Two nice Mormon gentlemen refreshing me on accounting principals. I went through the MSD site and apparently I can get free linked in learning. (10pm and it is still quite hot in the house - I'd go outside but I discovered that there are cockroaches up here with WINGS ~TAT~)

  4. Oh wow a what in my chest?!

    What a day. My mind immediately jumped to, “Here’s a reason to explain why I’ve felt off for the last seven months.” I’ve been feeling tired, uneasy, and have a disconnected-like paranoia without a cause. I thought it was just bad posture or stress, but now there’s a possible explanation.

    Things took a bad turn, and I ended up in the far north; maybe a blessing, though with my luck, I’m not sure. Thankfully, there’s a hospital here that could do an X-ray and CT scan quickly. Back where I lived before, I didn’t feel well enough to drive far for care, and we didn’t really have an ER. I was relying on my GP to connect the dots and refer me to a specialist. But blood tests only showed some inflammation to monitor, nothing urgent. That’s despite me telling the doctor about sore muscles in my back and neck that made studying and sleeping difficult, sudden eczema and dry skin, persistent itching around my lymph nodes, and a constant cough. All dismissed as a serotonin overdose side effect.

    Friday

    I’d had chest soreness before, and the doctor said it was likely costochondritis, so I just took pain relief. But this time, the pain was on both sides of my chest—it didn’t feel the same. I called Healthline, explained everything, and was told to call an ambulance. At the hospital, I was immediately taken for an X-ray. The doctor soon told me they found a large mass and ordered a CT scan. The CT felt like something out of a space movie. By 4 a.m. Saturday, I was well enough to move around and was discharged with instructions to return Monday. The summary was a google rabbit-hole: "well circumscribed mass", "nil sichameic", "R lung mass with associated lymphadenopathy/pulmonary mets". The associated imagery was fun too.

    Monday was a nice visit - I thought it would be a biopsy but I missed out. The doctor checked my neck and noted on my summary '?R sided cervical LADN and supraclavicular LADN'. an AI summary said that it may be swolen lymphs usually connected to issues in the right lung. So now I am anticipating that I will have a biopsy with ultrasound in my neck. When I was 16 I got mumps, and a lump was left on my neck which mum got a doctor to look at. The biopsy came back benign - but the experience left me very upset.
    I now have three appointments at the hospital lined up for Weds, I am weirdly looking forward to it.

    My POV looking down at a novel and EKG wires in my lap

    Reading 'Brave New World'

  5. Its not Cancer?

    CRT scan of billies chest, with a tumor sitting above her heart
    My little death apple

    Its February now, and todays visit to the outpatients was a good chat with the nurse and doctor looking over me.

    After the initial emergency room visit I got a CT guided biopsy the next week. A week after that the results returned only found inflamed cells.

    todays visit was just a discussion around the scans and what I can expect next, as well as answering any questions I have. It could be one (or multiple?) of the following: Lymphoma, Lupus, or Thymoma (but I thought tumors were cancer? My understanding is lacking).

    I will need a surgical biopsy depending on a few more tests I provided for today (like blood - oh I do dislike needles in my arm!). Its not in my lung, its not in my heart, its within the ribcage, its infront of my lung, we cant see how its attached itself, it is pushing on a major blood vessel, it can eventually kill me lol, its over 6x5cm in size, and at minimum it could have taken 6 months to grow.

    I got to take a video of my CT scans, as we moved back and forward through them. Its really awesome to see the inside of my body; I have a facination about the Mind Body Spirit interaction and it was almost like seeing a old friend, or learning something new about them. Seeing my ribs, the size of my heart, each of my spinal bones, the fat infront of my abdomen muscles; even the little white sparks that are healthy veins in my lungs. Just so facinating, I appreciate that this body is just doing its best as I place the weight of my world on her shoulders. I just hope I dont have lupus, I will consider this as her really letting me know shes fed up.

    I am expecting the results of the further tests to arrive back next week, another chat, and then a surgical biopsy. Something else to look forward to.

    A few interesting things about today

    ...not related to anything else, but the hospital uses Pneumatic Tubes to send notes around. I walked in the plebotomy reception facinated and a lady laughed at my comment "OMG so cool! this is so 1930's". I completely forgot where I parked my car, and realised I dropped my parking ticket in the loo... But wonderfully and kindly, the hospital guard let me through. Bless You!.

    Next, I finally went into the green-grocer and it was amazing! its a Sri Lankan store, and I found bags of super tiny rice grains! When I finish my current bag of rice I will absolutely try that. As I browsed, I was allowed to take photos so I can go home and look up everything. There is a lot to learn about.

    After, I visited the Salvation Army, and splashed out on a recycled denim bag that I think is going to be my favourite. I could go on about how those jean pockets are just excellent.

    Then, I changed my address with my insurance company, consequently bumping up my insurance costs (weeps), but the clerk was really lovely. after groceries I realised I left my card at the Salvos and had another giggle with the pretty lady at the counter.

    Finally, I enjoyed a Grapefruit Lemon Tea with Herbal Jelly (no sugar, half ice) that I cant get enough of. I wanted to buy a bucket of it but, haha, I dont think that exists.

    An investment in convenient contemplation.

    I've recently purchased a small treadmill; I'm already feeling alot of benefits from it. For possibly 2 decades I've always wanted one, but the price has always been prohibitive. I'm really lucky that at this time the popularity and supply has been enough that the prices have dropped, as well as offering more options. I know I live in a georgeous place with a incredible amount of walking tracks that my former Wellington-stuck self would have cried for - but, I dont know how to say this. I think I have developed a kind of agoraphobia?

    I have no desire to go exploring, I weigh too favourably money saving, and I really have to have an appointment/plan before I leave the house. I dont know why this has happened. I feel sad, that the joy I once had of exploring has now gone. I cant even do it with headphones on anymore. I wonder if this tumor has anything to do with it? Or maby, its disappointment. That, though my surroundings are beautiful, my heart now feels like its pointless. But, I have to exercise my body so - Treadmill. I threw money at my problem. And it is my meditation. The body walking with no visual distrations, the mind emptying with no input. I have always wanted this.